Narrator This is the future the past is dying. At the local heritage centre the time is 8.45 and the workers arrive
CHARLIE (OFF STAGE, TO AUDIENCE) Here time slows to a deadly stop. The town is a Museum piece now, with shopping centres...
Narrator Charlie enters the Heretic Centre, which has a Union Jack flying on the roof, in the year of.. NOW.
(CHARLIE ENTERS)
CHARLIE Hello Jack. How are you this cold morning?
JACK Alright. Where's Mr Wright?
CHARLIE The boss is in the office drinking tea.
JACK Hope he stays there all day.
CHARLIE Well if he has time for a mug so will we eh Jack?
JACK So we're the first in today are we?
MARK X (OFF STAGE, TO AUDIENCE) It's cold today. Jack and Charlie now, they're dark horses . . Its strange how every body I've met on the dole winds up here sooner or later. Even I had a job once!
(MARK X ENTERS)
MARK X Hi Jack, Hi Charlie. You're dark horses there, aren't you!
Narrator Mark X. Used to work in x-rated films before the fourth recession happened. Thats how he got his nickname.
MARK X Is everything all right? (SITS DOWN) Yes, I'd like some tea. (TRIES AGAIN) You're looking like dark horses today!
CHARLIE What did you say?
MARK X I said you're dark horses... Oh, I give up.
CHARLIE Do you want a mug of tea then? It's just made.
MARK X Ooh. .Oh yeah why not? (TAKES TEA) Is Rudeboy in then?
CHARLIE Not yet (LOOKS AT CLOCK) its nearly 9.30
MARK X Does it matter anyway? Well, only to Mr Wright.
Narrator Mr Wright: right by nature, boss by design, dictation by typewriter, comes out of his office to see what's going on..
WRIGHT (TO AUDIENCE) See, if I were in charge this lot would be in the army. Call them up, make them march, oh yes.. bring back the call up! I'd make this place like the British Museum, dedicated to all my heroes... Gordon, Thatcher.. yes, yes I'd show this lot of scruffs!
(MR WRIGHT ENTERS)
WRIGHT Right, will one of you send up some tea. Wait a minute, isn't it about time someone did something, not mentioning any names of course, this isn't a holiday camp! Where's John, still hasn't turned up? Didn't turn up yesterday... As for you lot of trainees....
MARK X What do you want, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT Well well well... What have I found here? (LOOKS AT MARK X) Right! Move those tables into the other room NOW. I like to see tables and chairs moving about all over the world. See! Things are changing around here they are.. that should keep you busy for a while.
Narrator Fred enters. Mr Wright's left hand man, a public school boy who found himself unemployed in the 3rd recession of the 90s. Despite this though he's a fully paid up party member.
FRED Good morning! Is that tea? Well I'll have coffee instead. Thank you, I'll be up in the office. Hello Mr Wright, see you in a minute, OK?
FRED (CONTINUES, TALKING TO AUDIENCE) It should be coffee in the morning.. habits like that once let people like me run an empire. But the old school tie didn't stop my business going bankrupt!
WRIGHT Morning Fred. I've got that lot moving lots of chairs and tables. The sound of trainees moving all over the country.. Just think, a million trainees on the move.. (REALISES HE'S GETTING CARRIED AWAY AND SLOWS DOWN)..Pity they did away with the call up, Fred.
FRED Sorry, what?
WRIGHT National service Fred! Get this country back on its feet! And that lot... .1 don't only mean this great country of ours either!
FRED Well. .1 'm not sure... after all, training people to kill isn't always a good idea. Anyway, this country isn't on it's feet because of the trade figures.
MARK X (BRINGS COFFEE) Here's your coffee Fred.
WRIGHT Are they moving over there, Marx?
MARK X Yeah. Here's your tea.
WRIGHT Well, I'll be over soon, see.
(MARK X REJOINS OTHERS)
MARK X He’s coming over, isn’t Rudeboy in yet? Come on...
(MR WRIGHT COMES OVER)
WRIGHT I knew it, not so much as a chair moving! Come on, let's see you moving.. You too, Charlie. .er. Joe..
JACK Jack! My name is Jack, get it.
WRIGHT Right, you and Marx come to the school room with me.
MARK X My name is Mark X, Mr Wright.
WRIGHT Look, whatever your name is, and I don't really care now, you're going to move those chairs into the school room, then move the tables in the war room into the end room, then put the chairs into room C today.
CHARLIE But what about the ones we put in the school room the other day?
WRIGHT Simple, er, we'll just put them back, er. . . where we found them!
JACK That's this room here. Aren't you repeating everything again Mr Wright?
WRIGHT There you are then, put them back here. As for you, Jack, keep your remarks to yourself.
CHARLIE But that's where they were on Monday..
WRIGHT I did.. I didn't. Anyway, get on with it or shut up. I want it all sorted out by lunchtime.
MARK X It's aversion therapy time again, isn't it.
WRIGHT Will you just shut up. I'll be in the office. Now get on with it!
JACK It's never going to end, training schemes following training schemes and on and on….. Rudeboy said that there was no real work anymore and the party can't admit to the fact that these places are like black holes, sucking in the unemployed....
Narrator Here's Rudeboy himself, late because he's walked in from the Isle of Sheppey.
(RUDEBOY ENTERS)
RUDEBOY I'd rather make history than see you lot cleaning it!
MARK X Morning Rudeboy you look busy.
RUDEBOY Oh yes.. Morning Mark X, how's the film work?
MARK X Mr Wright's in one of his moods again, Rudeboy.
WRIGHT (WALKS OVER TO THEM) Why are you late Rudeboy?
RUDEBOY I walked all the way from the Isle of Sheppey.
WRIGHT Well, don't do it again!
RUDEBOY But I live there, Mr Wright!
WRIGHT Well, just get on with something, see.
RUDEBOY Well, I don't know about you but I'm going to use the computer. Don't you remember all that work you gave me to do yesterday?
WRIGHT Did I? Oh yes, of course, I'd forgotten. Well, get on with that then.
(MR WRIGHT TURNS TO FRED)
WRIGHT Oh, Fred, we have a new trainee starting today.
FRED I didn't know.
WRIGHT Yes, her name's Miss White and she's been sent to my training scheme.
FRED What, is she a girl?
WRIGHT Yes, she's out of school, on the YTS and she's going to be my personal secretary.
JAY (OFF STAGE, TO AUDIENCE) They said I was too old, at 18! God, exams don't count for nothing anymore. Sometimes I think the party would rather see me on the game than on a training scheme, just to save them money. (JAY ENTERS. SHE LOOKS AROUND) Don't I know him in the leather jacket from somewhere? (LOOKS AT RUDEBOY) Where was it?
RUDEBOY Alright are you, Charlie?
CHARLIE Yes, I think so.
RUDEBOY What are you up to then?
CHARLIE I'm restoring this dockyard clock, so I know when it's time to go.
RUDEBOY Now I know why they call this the restoring room. It's the first bit of stuff I've seen being restored around here lately.
CHARLIE Well, Mr Wright couldn't get any more tables and chairs in here, they weren't the right size....
RUDEBOY What's wrong with it then? (POINTS TO CLOCK)
CHARLIE It's run out of time, like me, the back's fallen out
RUDEBOY Are you winding me up or something?
CHARLIE I feel like I'm wasting time here, some of us should do something.
RUDEBOY What, wind the boss up or something? (LAUGHS) Only a joke
CHARLIE I'll wind you up in a minute if you don't leave me in peace!
RUDEBOY How'd an old docker like you get on the training scheme?
CHARLIE I was in the dockyard, 180 of us got laid off. 1 was lucky to get this, my mates moved to Portsmouth and I've heard nothing from them since. I like restoring things though..
RUDEBOY Well when I get the chance I'm leaving here for good Charlie.
CHARLIE I don't know why you stay. Why do you, Rudeboy?
RUDEBOY Well, I'm a dab hand with computers and you never get bored with them.
CHARLIE Good for you. I think Mr Wright needs restoring himself sometimes... I think people round here are living in a world of their own making, Rudeboy.
(JAY FINALLY FINDS MR WRIGHT)
WRIGHT You're Jay White aren't you? This is Fred, our Victorian teacher.
JAY Then you must be Mr Wright.
WRIGHT Don't sit down just yet, you can go and make tea. It's the small room with the red door - oh, and don't forget to take one in to the scruff at the computer, darling.
JAY But I want to be a secretary Mr Wright, it’s in my action plan.
WRIGHT How fast are you? I mean your typing speed, dear.
JAY If I had a typewriter you could see!
WRIGHT Err.. Yes, good, because you're my personal secretary from now on, Miss White. I'm sure we can find you an old typewriter. You can practice with me this afternoon. Now run along and get those teas and we'll say no more about it, dear.
(WITH THAT JAY WALKS AWAY ANGRY AND UPSET.)
FRED Hope she's not going to be one of those lefties who believe they've got rights...
JAY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER)
JAY Don't I know you?
RUDEBOY Hi, I'm Rudeboy. Everyone else calls me that, anyway.
JAY (STILL UPSET) I'm Jay.I want to be a secretary, learn the business...
RUDEBOY You seem to have come to the wrong place, Jay.
JAY You live in the same street as me, don't you?
RUDEBOY Do I now?
JAY Weren't you going to get married, but she ran off with someone who had a job? That happened in '82 didn't it?
RUDEBOY That explains why I painted my house black. You were very young at the time so you don't know it all, Jay.
JAY Shame about her.... Is it always dark here then, Rudeboy?
RUDEBOY Yes, I've nothing against history but I'm not going to die for Mr Wright's obsessions. Yes, it's the dark side of life for me.
JAY Oh, I see what you mean. What do you do here, is it like this all the time?
RUDEBOY Yes it is. I'm playing with programmes.
JAY Doesn't Mr Wright mind?
RUDEBOY He never comes in
here, he's scared of me and the computer.
JAY Is it Mr Wright's status symbol? Because there doesn't seem to be enough
real work here.
RUDEBOY When they first got my friend here Mr Wright used it to send letters out to schools. Not enough work to justify it, though. Then I arrived.
(JAY PUTS THE RADIO ON. ANITA TIKARUM, TWIST IN MY SOBRIETY IS PLAYING)
(JUST THEN FRED PUTS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR)
FRED Ah Jay there you are. Where's that tea, oh, and I’d like a coffee too.
JAY I think Tanita Tikaram's great.
FRED I can't stand pop music myself, it upsets my ulcer.
RUDEBOY Don't you know it's a rock band, Frederick?
FRED Look bring up that tea, Mr Wright's waiting, Jay.
JAY Alright Fred, I'll be over in a minute.
(FRED GOES BACK TO THE OFFICE)
RUDEBOY That doesn't surprise me one bit, they act as if they were stuck in the 1960s.
JAY Yes.. so what do we do here, then?
RUDEBOY Well this place is supposed to be dedicated to local dead heroes who think they made history. People can look around although we only have two to three rooms finished. The school room's where Fred shows them what it's like in Victorian times and Mr Wright's war room
JAY Oh, the one with the fallout shelter and the blue and red machine guns?
RUDEBOY Of course the war room was finished first. See the dummies in there, they got the right idea, stand still and you don't get to move the tables and chairs, Jay.
JAY So they can see how to be soldiers in Mr Wright's army, right, Rudeboy?
RUDEBOY Yeah Jay. You're his latest sex symbol.
JAY I just want to be famous one day, not a sex symbol, Rudeboy. I'd better get back to playing Mr Wright's secretary. I'll just take the tea up. See you.... Oh, were you really going to mary her once?
RUDEBOY If you can't remember I ain't telling you that it still hurts. Jay, look out for the darkroom. It's really a black hole.
JAY What?
RUDEBOY Yes. I painted it black as well and the equipment never arrived so Mark X said that's because this place is like a black hole, no beginning or end.
JAY Mark X sounds as sad as you do.
(SHE TAKES THE TEA TO THE OFFICE. FRED'S ON THE PHONE. MR WRIGHT'S LISTENING IN THINKING)
FRED Hello is that the Margaret Thatcher school? Am I speaking to the head? Oh, you're training to be the head. It's about this visit to the heritage centre.. ..Yes, this is Mr Carter, got it, good..
(JAY HANDS HIM A COFFEE)
FRED Ah, coffee, that's a good girl.. Yes, thirty? Really, that's good....
WRIGHT Thirty did he say... far too many...
FRED No problem.....
WRIGHT Thirty kiddies with no discipline, fast food, feet dragging through my nice war room.. .Fred, Fred!
FRED Good, see you Thursday week then. (PUTS DOWN PHONE)
WRIGHT Ah Jay, here's a typewriter I found, you can practice with me, sit down.. always problems when we let the public look around... Jay?
(JAY LOKS A BIT PUT OUT AT THE TYPEWRITER)
JAY Mr Wright, don't they use electric typewriters now?
WRIGHT I'd better start the war room up. Let's see, get the chairs in room C, take them to the school room then replace them with tables so the kiddies have to sit down
FRED I'm using the school room Mr Wright.
WRIGHT Ah yes, Victorian punishment's your line isn't it, Fred mmmmm, take the chairs to room C and the tables, let's see, what sounds good for them to write in and have lunch? Er.. the war room's not ready, I'll tell the teachers that.
JAY May I go to lunch now since this typewriter isn't working?
WRIGHT Oh the typewriter, that's working, it's been on show, needs a bit of oil that's all, yes, eh - go to lunch and don't be late back. (WINKS)