MARK X I think there really is a black hole here, in the darkroom and it's affecting us.
RUDEBOY You mean it's training us for work which never works out?
MARK X Yeah. Where's John? He hasn't come in all week. It's like he never existed....
RUDEBOY Yeah he said last week that he thought this place was odd....
JACK Wasn't the last thing he said "I am just going to the dark room to look around"?
RUDEBOY Well it doesn't matter where you are here, it's still boring.
JAY If Mark X's theory is right then we're just being sucked in with no escape.
RUDEBOY What, no escape from Mr Wright or tables and chairs?
JACK We could be an eternity here.. God, I hope not.
MARK X Aren't we supposed to be trained here or something?
JAY It's some kind of sick joke, only Governments play it on us
RUDEBOY What, you believed the adverts? Hahahahahahahahaha haha ha ahaha ahhh, Jay, look we've all been on training schemes. YOP, EP, YTS, CP, ET -
MARK X They make them up as they go along) don't they Rudeboy?
RUDEBOY It's like science fiction. 20 years ago if anyone told me I'd be in a jolly flag waving heretic centre, I'd have told them to shove off, so having some black hole affecting us is not so far fetched, is it Jack?
MARK X It's affecting us all right. I came here to learn display, and got nothing but chairs and tables and the odd drawing. What am I going to put on an application form?
JACK Ask Mr Wright.
JAY Yes, I want to be a proper secretary, learn the business, and what do I get? An old typewriter.
RUDEBOY Then you did come to the wrong place.
JACK Anyone seen Charlie recently?
RUDEBOY I saw him earlier, he's probably Out eating.
MARK X Yes he always goes out for dinner. You know I think Mr Wright is the only one who thinks we're actually achieving something here. I don't know what, though.
JAY What about Fred, his right hand man?
MARK X Frederick, the old boy, he's just biding his time. It's Mr Wright who really believes in this place.
(JUST THEN MR WRIGHT LOOKS IN)
WRIGHT John still not in then? Look if he does come in send him to the office.
I4ARK X Mr Wright, er, this is supposed to be training...
WRIGHT Yes, it's my training.
MARK X Mr Wright, I don't think I would call it training, would you?
WRIGHT (ANGRILY) Look here, if I say it's training you're getting here that's it, Mr.. er. . . .er
MARK X You mean moving tables and chairs about, forwards and backwards, round and about...
WRIGHT Yes, now shut up, don't you come running to me again, see.. .1 am in charge here and things are changing.
(HE LEAVES ANGRILY)
MARK X Is he in charge here? What do you think?
RUDEBOY He's as lost as anyone can be in the past.
JACK This is like those tours of duty, 9 months on and 6 months off....
JAY Boys, can't you lay off being corny. It's like being in a carry on film.
MARK X (POINTS TO RUDEBOY) He's the double act.
RUDEBOY Yeah, sure I am, Mark X.
JACK I'm going back to the restoring room now.
RUDEBOY Yeah, go on and restore Mr Wright, will you?
JAY Yes, update him, reprogramme him, will you, Jack?
MARK X I wouldn't bother, it's too late for that.
RUDEBOY Still no sign of John, there goes his benefit. I don't think Mr Wright will like him now.
JAY Was he pissed off with Mr Wright?
MARK X Yes he was. My future's all used up and John just walks out...
RUDEBOY Yes, just like that, and I am a "Fugitive from a Chain Gang". Slavery's supposed to be a state of mind in this century.
MARK X Yeah, man, it's not history that repeats itself, it's the people in it who do. Look at this place. It's run by a dictator, isn't it...
(FX - A CRACK IN TIME APPEARS, CENTRED ON THE DARKROOM DOOR)
MARK X Run by a dictator, isn’t it...
JAY Don't you two ever stop being sarcastic... .being sarcastic.
RUDEBOY Didn't you just say that - say that...
MARK X You're repeating yourself, stop...
JAY I'm not, you are...
MARK X You're repeating yourself, stop...
JAY I'm not, you are....
MARK X repeating yourself. .(FX - THE CRACK IN TIME CLOSES) Hey! A black hole's living in the centre, Jay!
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED Any coffee chaps? What's happening, still no Charlie back yet?
RUDEBOY Aren't you near the darkroom Sir Freddy?
FRED How dare you address me like that, my name is Fred, Mr Rudeboy.
MARK X We wouldn't know how to, Sir Fred.
FRED So Charlie's skiving, is he? Time I told Mr Wright.
(JACK RETURNS WHITE-FACED)
JACK It's Charlie, he's dead, in the restoring room! By the clock, see for yourself...
FRED We better tell Mr Wright, hadn't we. Well at least he wasn't skiving like John.
(FRED CALLS MR WRIGHT)
FRED Mr Wright, er, Charlies dead, I mean, died...
WRIGHT Has he, well he shouldn't die on my training scheme.
FRED Mr Wright, it'll look bad if he's found here...
WRIGHT What do you mean?
FRED We'll move him outside
WRIGHT Good idea Fred, some initiative at last. (PATS ONE OF THE MACHINE GUNS) Just in case anyone objects, if they think of walking out of here because of this, this will stop them, Fred!
FRED But we're quite well staffed. If John's not in he'll lose his benefit so he'll have to come back...
WRIGHT The management committee's coming round on Friday. What if they leave?
FRED But there's plenty of unemployed on these training schemes, lots to choose from. Anyway they have no choice, Mr Wright
WRIGHT That's just it. Read this memo about staffing, Fred.
FRED What's this? (READS) "Due to the great recession of the 1990's. . . .cutbacks on the privatised training schemes.. the five year plan... we are unable to take on any more people.." Oh, dear.
WRIGHT Right. See, if anyone leaves we can't replace them. That's why any sign of mutiny in the heritage centre must be stopped now.
FRED Then we'd better stop any possible walk-out Mr Wright
WRIGHT Let's go then Fred and stop a mutiny. Anyway they should know by now this isn't a holiday camp for idle hands...
(THEY WALK SLOWLY TO JAY, JACK, RUDEBOY AND MARK X)
WRIGHT Look Mark X, Rudeboy, can you move Charlie outside onto a park bench.. Look, do it now, will you, Jack isn't up to it.
RUDEBOY What, won't "Sir" help?
FRED How dare you address me as sir, I'm Frederick.
WRIGHT Look, Mark X, I want you to take his body outside now with Rudeboy.
MARK X That's Charlie, Mr Wright, I'm not picking him up, he's dead!
WRIGHT See you do it right now, Mr X, put him on any park bench...
RUDEBOY Well what about the fallout shelter, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT All right, but hurry up. I am in charge around here. We'll put Charlie out in the morning with the rubbish. See, I am in charge here...
MARK X Are you, Mr Wright? I mean, in charge?
JAY Yes, are you Mr Wright? Who tells you what to do?
WRIGHT Don't be impertinent, girl. I've always been in charge here, ever since the beginning, and things are changing around here, see?
JAY Look here, I'm not your girl and I'm not just out of school. If I have any more of this from you I'm going to report it right now.
WRIGHT Go back to your typewriter, Ms White, and practice, all right, I'll talk to you later.
JAY Yes, but I'm going to phone
WRIGHT See, see, I'm in charge Fred whether they like it or not. Now that body now... Mark X and Rudeboy, right now! Oh, Ms White, don't use the phone, I'll know if you have...
FRED Don't you think you should tell Central Office about Charlie first, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT No, I don't think that would be a good idea, somehow
FRED I'll just go to the office to check on Ms White.
WRIGHT I'm going to, Fred. Move that body will you, Mr X.
FRED What about Jack, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT Er, Send him to the school room to lie down on the army bed.
FRED Jack!
JACK Yes?
FRED Go and rest on the camp bed in the school room.
JACK Thank you, sir.
(JACK GOES)
WRIGHT See, Fred, the chain of command works.
(THEY LEAVE)
RUDEBOY We ought to do something about this, Mark X.
MARK X What?
RUDEBOY Look, this room has two machine guns.
MARK X Then I'll come back for that nice blue one, it looks in working order.
(THEY LEAVE)
(JAY PICKS UP THE PHONE. MR WRIGHT AND FRED ENTER)
JAY Hello, is that my training officer? I'd like to.. hey, Mr Wright!
(MR WRIGHT TAKES THE PHONE)
WRIGHT Yes, this is Mr Wright here. Are you sending any more trainees? No? Well, thank you Miss Cordell.
JAY I'm not having any more of this!
FRED Jay, where're you going?
JAY None of your business, schoolboy.
(JAY WALKS OUT)
FRED Seems she is one of those lefties who think they have rights.
WRIGHT I'll just get a machine gun, Fred.
(TAKES THE RED MACHINE GUN)
FRED If that's his idea of staff relations then I'm taking over. Er, what do you think we should do, Mr Wright? It seems we're not really in charge.
WRIGHT (LOOKING AT THE MACHINE GUN) I'll probably shoot them, Fred.
FRED What are you going to do first?
WRIGHT (LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL) I'll show them, Fred. I'll soon shut them up and put the fear of me into them. I learned a lot in National service, best place for leadership skills. .
FRED I was in Cadets at school, Mr Wright.
WRIGHT Well, you'd better come and watch me handle those scruffs, learn from me. I suppose you went to public school, eh, Fred? (WINKS)
FRED Pardon? Oh yes, I was actually, Mr Wright.
WRIGHT Oh, you'd better bring those cups down too, Fred.
FRED Couldn't Jay do that?
WRIGHT No, she's my personal secretary, not a has-been. Now, always go for the weakest link in the chain. In this case it happens to be young Mark X, ha ha, see, Fred..'
FRED I would have thought the other one, the little thug, the one who wears black clothes.
WRIGHT Not him, he's got leadership potential, you underestimate him, he's a leader type like me.
FRED Surely not, he wears dark glasses when he uses the computer!
WRIGHT You'll see, Fred, I'll sort Mark X Out and the others too. This feels good... .Hey, you scruffs!
(MARK X, RUDEBOY AND JAY ENTER)
WRIGHT Yes, you, Mark X, you were late this morning. You've been late every day. There are Four Thousand Million unemployed Out there, and you' re wasting my time.
RUDEBOY You mean like Mr Fred, Mr Bossy?
WRIGHT Keep out of this, boy, see.
JAY Why are you picking on us, Mr Wright?
RUDEBOY Didn't you hear? Fred's been late every day this week, and so have I.
FRED Look, don't bring me into this.
WRIGHT Stay Out of this, Fred, just take notes, right?
FRED This hell's angel can't talk to me like that in front of the staff!
WRIGHT I am in charge, see! I'll handle this. If you would just shut up, calm down and keep out of this) see, (SHOUTS) shut up!
JAY Look, I've seen enough Mr Wright. I'm going to report you to my training manager and get a transfer.
MARK X Er, Mr Wright...
WRIGHT Will you all just shut up! I am in charge here, not you lot of scruffs
RUDE BOY You're what, Mr Wright? Make something of it, will you?
WRIGHT What?
RUDEBOY Yes, and while we're all here -
WRIGHT Yes boy?
RUDEBOY you don't really expect us to call this training, do you, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT Now, now, look, back to work, all of you. See, I am the one in charge, not Rudeboy, See? See?
(WRIGHT WALKS OUT. FRED FOLLOWS)
JAY He looked really put out didn't he. What do think he'll do next?
MARK X He can't sack us while we're on the training scheme, Jay'
RUDEBOY That's an advantage, is it?
MARK X Yeah. Mr Wright might not know that, he didn't go on the induction session like us.
(JACK RETURNS FROM THE SCHOOLROOM)
JACK What was all the fuss about? You know, it's strange, Charlie's clock's going now.
RUDEBOY The fuss was about whether Mr Wright runs this centre or I do.
MARK X I got blamed for it, but he didn't get away with it this time.
RUDEBOY That's right, we sort of stopped him. Jay, why don't you try phoning up again?
JAY He took the phone away from me last time. I suppose you want me to find out what's happening with those boxheads?
MARK X Good idea, Jay.
JACK I'd wait a bit until Mr Wright's calmed down..
RUDEBOY Well, Charlie's dead.
MARK X I bet he won't come back again.
JACK I'd rather not think about Charlie, alright?
(MARK X PICKS UP THE BLUE MACHINE GUN)
MARK X You know what they say.... Be Prepared.
JAY I'll think I'll see what Mr Wright's up to now.
(JAY WALKS TO WRIGHT AND FRED)
WRIGHT Why aren't you doing anything, Fred?
FRED What do you think we should do, Mr Wright?
WRIGHT I told you earlier, shoot those trainees or try somehow to replace them.
FRED Yes, we could try that.
WRIGHT Shame they're not on strike, I could have sacked them then.
JAY Can I use the phone now?
FRED No, no, no Ms White
WRIGHT No, Ms White.
FRED Look, Ms White, if you've come to apologise for them or ring your manager you're not making a good job of it, are you.
JAY Did Mr Wright go on the induction course like the rest of us?
WRIGHT Of course I did.
FRED Yes, my girl
JAY Look here, Fred, and you, Mr Wright, I stopped being a girl when I left school!
WRIGHT Ms White, no, you can't use the phone just because you're on a training scheme, you should realise that. We have rights too, Jay, and I'm using them
JAY Look, Mark X has got the blue machine gun out, don't you think we should call the police?
WRIGHT Is that some kind of joke? Police cost money.
JAY He might use it, though.
WRIGHT Well, I've got this one.(LAUGHS, LIFTS UP THE RED MACHINE GUN) Go and tell them that, Ms White.
(THE DOORBELL RINGS AND
A VISITOR COMES IN. JAY JOINS THE
OTHER TRAINEES OUTSIDE THE DARKROOM)
VISITOR Hello, anyone there?
FRED (GOES UP TO VISITOR) Yes, what do you want? Sorry, but we re understaffed here today....
VISITOR I hear this place is dedicated to General Gordon and Margaret Thatcher. I'm from the States. I think I'm related to the one who went to Japan from here, and became a Shogun...
FRED Well, have a look around. (LOOKS AT MR WRIGHT TAKING THE RED MACHINE GUN AND POINTING IT AT THE TRAINEES BY THE DARKROOM) Er, We seem to have a crisis at the moment.
VISITOR What's he up to?
FRED Er.. he's cleaning it.
VISITOR Yeah, well I'd better look around. It looks unfinished, is it, Mr - ?
FRED Mr Fred Carter. Yes, we're still working on it, you see....
WRIGHT Come here Fred, I want you to load the ammunition. (VISITOR WALKS OVER TO THE DARKROOM)
FRED But we'll get in trouble if we start shooting trainees, Mr Wright!
WRIGHT Look Fred, we can always say it was an accident. (SHOUTS) Rudeboy! I am in charge here, not you! Now get back to moving furniture, now!
RUDEBOY Never! Anyway, My job's operating the computer.
WRIGHT Right, if that's the way you want it..
(HE STARTS FIRING AT THE DOOR OF THE DARKROOM)
VISITOR Look, is there anything I can do to stop this? I work for the United Nations....
JAY You're too late.
MARK X Yes, we were written off long ago.
JACK Well, I want to go if Mr Wright will let me.
RUDEBOY Well, ask him then.
(MARK X IS SETTING UP THE BLUE MACHINE GUN)
MARK X You'd better hurry up then. I1ve got this one working now.
VISITOR I 'll go and ask. I'm not involved in your conflict. Hello, (SHOUTS) er, Mr Wright! (TO TRAINEES) That's his name, isn't it? (SHOUTS) I'm with the U.N.!
WRIGHT Yes, what is it?
VISITOR Can this man (POINTS AT JACK) go?
WRIGHT Not unless he'll work for me and only me!
JACK Ummm, well, alright. Tell him I'm coming.
VISITOR He' S coming out!
(JACK COMES OUT)
WRIGHT Fred, we'll soon stop this mutiny now. That Jack's leaving..
(MARK X OPENS UP WITH THE BLUE MACHINE GUN)
FRED Look, Mr Wright, this is going too far.
WRIGHT Fred, I'm in charge and you do what I say, right?
JACK Can I go then? It's almost time to close, Mr Wright.
(WRIGHT FIRES BACK AT THE DARKROOM DOOR)
WRIGHT (TO JACK) Go, then.
(AS JACK GOES MR WRIGHT SHOOTS HIM WITH THE MACHINE GUN)
FRED That was uncalled for, Mr Wright. 11m leaving now.
WRIGHT Come back Fred, come back this minute!
(ANOTHER BURST OF FIRE FROM MARK X HITS FRED)
FRED Sorry, Mr Wright, but I've got to go.. (FALLS)
(SUDDENLY THE BLACK HOLE STARTS REACTING. IT STARTS SUCKING EVERYONE THROUGH THE DARKROOM DOOR)
(FX- LIKE FOR THE CRACK IN TIME BUT MORE VIOLENT)
WRIGHT Look here, is this some kind of trick? 'Cause if it is - aarrghhhh! (HE'S SUCKED INTO THE BLACK HOLE)
RUDEBOY This can't be the end? Aarghh! (HE'S SUCKED IN)
MARK X I told you all this place is nothing but a cut-price heretic centre! (HE'S SUCKED IN FIRING THE MACHINE GUN)
VISITOR What did you say? I'm related to the Shogun! (HE'S SUCKED IN)
JAY Goodbye, Rudeboy, hope to see you again - on the other side! (SHE'S SUCKED IN)