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You're looking good - have you lost weight?
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by Robert Weetman
I'm sitting struggling to write this article for the fifth or sixth time and I know it isn't right yet. I've had conversations with a number of people about what I've written - and they have had questions about what I'm meaning by it. After speaking to me they've agreed with the point I'm making but that what's written doesn't quite get this point across. So I'm open to offers of help (please feel free to offer).
This article has been born out of frustration. I've been struck over very many years with how people who care deeply about exclusion in one context can seem to forget much of what they know when it comes to conversations about weight and body shape. On many occasions I've wanted to recommend a short article like the one below, but I haven't been able to find one (despite the many excellent articles listed in the directory of www.isja.org.uk under "gender").
I'm struck by how often I hear phrases like:
"I really pigged out at the weekend so I’ll not have a
biscuit thanks "
"You've lost weight haven't you?"
"Better not - thanks"
"Gosh I’d love to look like that"
"I'm on a diet I'm going on holiday soon"
"I used to be able to fit into…"
"How can she eat like that and remain so thin?"
People say these things so often that such comments form part of the lifeblood of conversation. We've all heard them over and over again and in all social contexts. They fit into the same part of conversation as "nice day isn't it?" "have a nice day" "good morning" "how you doing?" "nice weather we're having".
But I can't see "you're looking good, have you lost weight?" as a compliment. These conversations are part of people judging each other against an arbitrary standard scale against which anybody (and any woman in "western" countries in particular ) fails badly because the ideal is entirely impossible to reach or even to approach. In every system where one group has more power than another some form of divide and rule takes place - and what better way to keep an imbalance in power between men and women than to make women the harshest critics of other women.
When I hear someone say these things I find myself thinking about what is going on underneath the conversation. It feels that listing these might be useful.
1) If we tell people how much we don't like an aspect of ourselves it can make us feel safer. It takes away their power to insult us because we got there first. Unfortunately when we criticise ourselves people tend to believe what we say.
2) In many situations there are people overhearing the conversation who aren't as thin as those speaking, or those whose weight is being evaluated. In many ways this seems little better than a direct insult being aimed in their direction.
3) In a world where every woman is continually reminded about how far she falls short of an (unattainable) ideal by the media (television, newspapers, billboards, etc) this conversation ensures that the disempowering environment is all pervasive, reaching into almost every home and workplace. Someone recently told me that a best friend had commented that she needed to pluck her eyebrows. and that for the first time in her life this was worrying her. With friends like this, who needs enemies?
There may well be environments where people have naturally stopped having these conversations, but I don't think I've come across one. A suggestion that interests me is that people can specifically ask those around them to observe a "body disparagement free zone". By specifically asking others not to put themselves down this makes a safe environment where people can be confident that they are accepted whatever body shape they have (and however different from the many other perceived social norms).