Joke Page 1:
Dirty Ernie was playing in some shit, when a Marine Corps PFC. saw him and
said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing with that shit?
Dirty Ernie replied "I'm making a Marine Corps PFC."
The PFC. ran off and got his Corporal. The Corporal said "Dirty Ernie what
are you doing?
Dirty Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more shit and said "I'm making a
Marine Corps Corporal."
The Corporal ran off and got his Sergeant ... the Sergeant said "Dirty
Ernie what are you doing?
Dirty Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more shit, and said "I'm making a
Marine Corps Sergeant."
The Sergeant ran off to get his Lieutenant.
The Lieutenant said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing?
Ernie looked up at him and said I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant" The
Lieutenant looked at him with pride and said "I thought you were going to
say you were making a Marine Corps Lieutenant" Dirty Ernie looked at him
and said "No Sir, I don't have enough shit!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched
her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her
out
of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.' She normally does.
Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "What would you do if you
caught your husband with another woman?"
The second woman said, "Another woman with MY honey? Let's see; I would
break her cane, kick her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the
institution from which she escaped!"
Some race horses staying in a stable are chatting. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've
won 89 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Daaaaaaaamn!" says one, after a hushed
silence. "A talking dog!"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the lab replies. After the guy
recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your
story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the
Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is
amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's such a bullshitter ...
He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!'
I ended up with a woman at a local bar last night. She looked pretty good
for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself
thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's
Double?'
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to
embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter
threesome.'
We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky
night.'
We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted
upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'
