Joke Page 2:
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was
sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?"
Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people
there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor
public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as
the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere
in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank
you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
"And will there be anything else, Ma'am?" the bellboy asked after setting
out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the lady replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed silk pajamas on the chair by
the bed. "Anything for your husband?" he asked.
"Nah," the lady said. "I'll pick up a postcard for him in the morning."
Young Moishe moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove
up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Moishe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Moishe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Moishe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Moishe said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Moishe and asked, 'What happened with
that dead horse?'
Moishe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a net profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Moishe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
A middle aged Jewish woman goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a
plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the
mountains with local guides. All in all it takes her months of hardship to
track down this guru. When she finds him he is in the middle of some kind
of ritual which lasts for days and the guru's followers won't let her see
him. Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman
to be admitted. She stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says.
"It's time to come home!"
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city people, met and
decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them
had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the city folk filed into the rented bus which whisked
them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as
the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to
look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into
a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw
the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes
we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the
young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow
in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that
never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is
'cause it's a horse."
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush
is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said,
"Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The
Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just
walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush." The Marine, somewhat agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no
longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow."
