Joke Page 4:
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl
(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
It began as an innocent game with my toddler son Robert. I'd get into the
fighter's stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I'd say,
One-two, one-two," and he'd imitate me over and over.
I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my
wife took our son to a birthday party.
The boy's mother was handing out noisemakers, she asked Robert, "Would you
like 'one too'?"
It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair
cut prior to a vacation in Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would
anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded, dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"Were taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called
Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in
the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her vacation in Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was
great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job and now it's a
jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over-booked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and
he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really...what'd he say?"
He asked, "Where'd you get the awful hair cut?
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing
with his toys in her bedroom, while grandma was dusting. He looked up and
said," Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm very happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The grandson heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your
grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom hitting her boyfriend."
An AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, drinks some Guinness, and, after a
while finds himself in a very high-class area with big residences but no
pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds
a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes,"said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie.
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Alaska. He is captured by
the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know."
He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get
tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.
In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:
"Comrades, learn the Mig-29 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me
killed for not knowing them!"
