OILEUS ENTERS AND ADVANCES DOWNSTAGE. HE IS CLAD IN A GOLD LAME JACKET AND HAS WINGS AND A LAUREL WREATH. HE ENTERS A POOL OF LIGHT AND NOTICES THE AUDIENCE.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Go on... go on... haven't you heard it? Oh. Alright then. Good gag, though, isn't it? (SELF SATISFIED). I wrote that, you know. Not in English. Ancient Greek. I think it had more of a ring to it then... Parthenon Acropolis Clytemnestra - hummus taramasolata pitta bread! Bum bum! Those were the days... I still say the old ones are the best ones. Bugger. I'm being a bit rude, aren't I? Let me introduce myself. My name is Oileus. Second deputy muse of comedy. My job is to bring laughter to the world by coming down here from Olympus and inspiring comedians.

I was first deputy muse until a few years ago. Thalia - she's the boss muse of comedy - promoted me from third deputy muse after I came up with that "why did the chicken cross the road" gag in 456 BC. Killer gag. Literally. Killed Aeschylus - he just couldn't stop laughing when he first heard it. Tragedy. But Thalia demoted me last year, back to second deputy. Told me I hadn't been making enough people laugh. But it's not my fault. She gives me all the rubbish these days. Look at the jobs I've had recently. Ernie Wise's solo career - never Eric and Ernie, but as soon as the funny one's gone, who has to pick up the pieces? Oileus. And he wasn't the first solo career I've had to help with. Remember Bernie Winters? I'd've stood more chance with Schnorbitz. And comebacks, too. She gave me Mike Yarwood... he couldn't even do an impression of a comedian by that time; Norman Wisdom... sad man - I'd rather have had Mr Grimsdale's comeback; even Simon Dee. Yeah, I can hear you all thinking "who?".

I had it out with her, you know. I said Thalia, I want to have it out with you, and she didn't laugh either. Not much sense of humour for a muse of comedy. I asked for some better material to work with, and I think I caught her on a good decade, because she gave me the funniest man in Britain just at the beginning of a major new television series. I couldn't believe my luck. It had to be a winner. That was when I got demoted. "Billy". "BILLY"! How could Billy Connolly make such a turkey? Even "Brighton Belles" was funnier. (LOOKS AT AUDIENCE). Yes, that was one of mine.

(PAUSE) Well, I thought "Golden Girls" was overrated.

I have had one big comic success recently, but it was all a bit of a cock up with the parchmentwork. I got given this TV celebrity who should have been allocated to Urania - she's the muse of celestial phenomena. But I did a good job silly clothes, funny lines, the works. By the time I'd finished everyone was laughing at him. How was I to know David Icke was supposed to be some sort of prophet?

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I'm in danger of being sacked from the muses. Believe me no muse is bad news. Bum bum! But it's true - not comedy true, really true - I've got one last chance or I lose my immortality and get turned into an ordinary person like you lot - and, believe me, the worst thing for a comedian is to become an ordinary mortal. Especially like you lot. And what's more, I'll die!