Melody Maker - Shrink Rap column circa 1989

XTC's Andy Partridge turns couch potato for the MM Quack

Naked Lady Ink Pens

I used to be able to wiggle it just enough so I could make some pubic hair out of it. I never used to have it all off or all on. I managed to get it at such an angle, 16-degrees to be precise, and make these wonderful ink pubes. I used my imagination terribly when it came to sex.

Pets I've got a dog. A golden retriever. But he's not very gold at all. he's the colour of vindaloo the morning after. I had a couple of rabbits but they exploded. We used to let them roam around the house. We had this video with a remote control cable. Apart from crapping behind the sofa, all they used to do was eat through the cable. We used to get the man from radio rentals around and he'd say, "Blimey! Looks like you've had a bloody animal eating through this cable!" But we'd deny all knowledge of it. Anyway, one of them finally exploded internally. He was called Oswald The Lucky Rabbit and he blew up with blood and brains everywhere. Not very luck when I think about it. The other rabbit started eating my record collection once we'd got a video without a cable. He favoured the Residents album in a reconstituted cardboard sleeve which was obviously like instant rabbit breakfast. He blew up a bit later.

Dental Floss

Where do they cut this stuff? Are there huge bushes of it somewhere? Some great dental floss mill in Sri Lanka with all these people staggering in with 10 tons of it on their heads.

I like dental floss, but I feel terribly guilty when I sniff it afterwards. It's like a tame version of what the Hindus used to do. They would swallow a knotted rag and crap it out the other end, then pull it out slowly so they cleaned their entire bowel systems out. If you're a bit chickenshit and don't want to go the whole way by dental flossing your bowels, you stick it between your teeth and shake your head side to side.

Who's Who

I'm not actually in "Who's Who". But you can find me in "Who The Fuck's He?" which is a slightly smaller version.

My Gold Fur Trousers

They were specially made for me in 1974. Skin-tight with a very high waist that stopped just under my nipples and just below my knees.

Trimmed in tiger-skin with a two foot tiger-skin tail. The best feature was a willy shaped in stud that went down one leg for about a foot. I used to take my life in my hands wearing those down the pub. The cry of "Let's kill him, shall we?" greeted me wherever I went. I was a fashion kamikaze in those days.

Sticky Things

I do encourage my kids not to leave strange, sticky blobs over the furniture which they keep doing. It's very annoying. The little craters in the Chesterfield fill up with strange, unidentified Venusian stickiness. Essence of Chewit juice I suspect.

My Gravel Collection

I keep telling people I have a gravel collection but it's not actually true. I always pretend I collect stuff like maps of Polish parks. Its a good way of winding people up. I'm always being asked what else I collect besides toy soldiers. If I did collect gravel, it would be a very lumpy album. People say that gravel isn't very sexy, but I don't know. If you put a naked Bridget Bardot on a bed of gravel, I could suffer a bit.

The English

You know how foreigners believe that all Englishmen have all got rotten teeth and a collection of something, and that they all like whacking each other's bottoms? Well, it's completely true.

Failures

We love failure in England don't we? If you fail you're a hero in England. If you're ugly and useless you're in! Let's get Eddie Edwards on the £10 note!

Cruelty To Frogs

I used to know some kids at school used to steal the drinking straws from the canteen and head of to the pond. They'd put the straw is frog's arses and blow them up the size of a small balloon. Then they'd set them on the pond and push them away, shooting air-guns at them until they blew up. Bang!

Cruelty To Spiders

This bloke I used to work with at the department store used to execute spiders. Every time he saw one in his shed, he'd spray it with a can of silver paint to slow it down. Then he'd roll this huge iron bar towards it so the spider could see his doom coming. Pretty well adjusted for a 19 year-old.

'Call My Bluff'

The ultimate English quiz programme. Groups of people who can't talk properly, trying to lie to each other. You couldn't work out if they were describing a small form of Chinese river craft or a Finnish coin because you couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.

Epitaphs

I would like the following words on my tombstone: "I can see up your skirt".

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