Humour 2

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=10.375% BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="0070ce82egerdp.png"> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Middleton Ambulance Station"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id44.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 3"><U><B>Next Page</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id40.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 1"><U><B>Back</B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=70 BGCOLOR="#CC99CC" TEXT="#080000" background="00626611ezuady.png"> <div> <B>Middleton Ambulance Station</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=410 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Humour</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG SRC="4a964650.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="101" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="618" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 3451 WIDTH="612"><div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="134" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Locating Incidents </B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><B><U>It is hoped that the following points will assist staff in the identification of the correct house when attending emergency calls:</U></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><U>When attending a 999 call one or more of the following is usually present.</U></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>House number painted on wall in reducing sized emulsion numbers. (Paint usually running down wall)</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Fridge freezer in garden. (Can be upright or horizontal) </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Wooden or cardboard windows</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Three or more satellite dishes (one or more a BSB dish)</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Trail of pavement blood or spilt alcohol</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>On front door,  signs of forced entry by local constabulary</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Stained uncushioned upholstered couches being used as patio furniture</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Big dog barking and growling</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Human barking and growling</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>At least four children's bikes and or other objects. Bouncy castle, trampoline etc  obstructing path</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1979 transit van on bricks</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>6 relatives cars strategically parked outside the house so that you have to abandon the ambulance half way down the street</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Under no circumstances will a member of the public be outside waiting for you unless the call is of absolutely no urgency at all</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The house with two police riot vans and four panda cars outside        </I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="145" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Questions & Answers</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>Q. What's the biggest difference between an ambulance and a fire engine? </I></div> <div> <I>A. The mileage!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Q. How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?</I></div> <div> <I>A. Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Q. What's the difference between a Paramedic and a Technician?</I></div> <div> <I>A. The size of their ego!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? </I></div> <div> <I>A. The taste! </I></div> <div> <I>  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="65" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Why ....</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>Why do patients develop different or additional symptoms on arrival at the A&E dept.?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why does a paracetemol overdose induce unconsciousness within 5 minutes of ingestion? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do pedestrians suddenly feel the need to demonstrate their acting skills for you by feigning death at the road side?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do drivers get out of the way by pulling out of a side turning directly into your path, and then pull into the kerb?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> </I></div> <div> <I>Why do drivers get out of the way by accelerating up to 70mph in a built up area?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do drivers beckon you through a gap that is 5ft narrower than your ambulance?  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why is the emergency  phone directly linked to the kettle and microwave?  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do patient's stretch their legs out when asked to put feet on the rail of carry chair?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why does a patient lying in the street always have over them six coats and two blankets one blanket always checked tartan in design?   </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why are most of your patients healthier than you are?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why is it so difficult for patients to put their tongue to the roof of their mouth?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why is it that the worse your patients breath the quiter they will talk so you will have to get closer to hear them?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do patients relatives  like to tell you the medical history of themselves their friends and their pets?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="290" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Top Ten Ways To Annoy Ambulance Staff</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>1. Say "You will need a chair", as the crew get out of the ambulance.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>2. Say "You will need a stretcher", as you take them upstairs to the patient.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>3. Phone for an ambulance at 06.40 hrs (near the end of their shift) after being ill since 19.00 hrs the day before (at the start of their shift).</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>4. Take any ill or injured patient upstairs to bed and then call an ambulance so that the crew can carry them down again.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>5. Say "I couldn't do your job!", after you have just told them how it should be done.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>6. Take ten minutes to answer the front door after making your "emergency call", and even then call out "Who is it?".</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>7. Follow the ambulance to the maternity unit in your car.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>8. Ask one of them if they are the paramedic or the driver.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>9. Greet them with   "Where the " ......."  have you been?".</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10. Say  "We called you so that we will get seen quicker at casualty!"               </I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="162" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Have You Ever Said .....</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>To the stroke patient with left side paralysis?........You're going to be all right! </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You're going to feel a little prick............What I mean is a sharp scratch</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Is your mum coming with us?............Oh sorry, it's your wife! </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Pop this in your mouth and suck, it will take your mind off the pain............It's only gas and air! </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How old was your husband / wife? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Are these the patients own teeth? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="134" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Have You Ever .....</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>Sneaked up on the postman with his head in the post box and sounded  the sirens? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Sounded the sirens outside a colleagues house knowing full well he/she has just come off nights? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Sounded the sirens because - you're up, so everyone else can be up?    </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Placed a bet on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient</I></div> <div> <I>(winner is closest without going over)......</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Had a patient with a nose-ring or body piercing tell you  "I'm afraid of needles"......</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Have you ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a</I></div> <div> <I>fellow  coworker's sleeve</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="167" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>A Useful Reference Book</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>          </I></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="767c0d10.jpg" border=0 width="192" height="209" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="155" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Length of Service Test</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>You notice people remarking as they hear your paramedic number "God, that's a low number!"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You notice that new partners are not that much older than your own kids.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You have carried patients with a "Poles and Canvas" stretcher.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You realise, or it is pointed out to you, that many of your conversational items begin</I></div> <div> <I> "I remember when ....."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You realise that more than half of the hospitals you go to have been renamed, reorganized , merged, or closed.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You find that most of the people you now work with don't know any of the people who "used to be here" and there have been several chiefs or bosses since you started.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You qualify also if a substantial portion of your career took place before rubber gloves were supplied.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You earn additional points for qualification if your career began before seat belts were common.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The word "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You no longer get upset when someone calls you an "Ambulance Driver." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You park in your home driveway backwards</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your idea of a good call is one that's cancelled while you're enroute</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young lady on stage</I></div> <div> <I>does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot and a half from your nose.</I></div> <div> <I>You are not aroused, but you  DO think....."I could catheterize that." </I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> </B><A HREF="id40.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 1"><U><B><IMG SRC="4aa50230.gif" border=0 width="80" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A><B>                                         <IMG SRC="76c23230.gif" border=0 width="35" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">                                        </B><A HREF="id44.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 3"><U><B><IMG SRC="4ab50230.gif" border=0 width="80" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>                                                                                                                         </B></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></I></div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>