Humour 1

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=10.75% BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="0070ce82egerdp.png"> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Middleton Ambulance Station"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 2"><U><B>Next Page</B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=70 BGCOLOR="#CC99CC" TEXT="#080000" background="00626611ezuady.png"> <div> <B>Middleton Ambulance Station</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=410 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>H</B><B>umour</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG SRC="4a964650.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="101" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <U> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="668" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 2948 ><NOBR><div> <U>The following humour is collected from various ambulance and medical humour sites on the Internet. </U></div> <div> <U>I am not the author of any of the following humour.  Many thanks to the original authors of this humour.</U></div> <bR> <div> <B>           </B></div> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="1" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="105" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Patient  FAQ's</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <I>You will need your chair</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You will need your stretcher</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What is the most horrific thing that you have seen ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What does that do ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Are you a paramedic ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Do you enjoy this job ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I couldn't do you're job  (After they have told you how it should be done)</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You were quick</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Where have you been ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Quick,  do something now</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why haven't you left yet ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Haven't  you just got some pills I could take ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Been doing this long ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why is he driving that way,  he should go this way?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You must see some sights in you're job?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Who is dead?..... usually asked by children hanging around ambulance </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>So what do you think? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How fast is this ambulance ?    </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I didn't like to call you but........</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>    </I></div> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="111" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Miscellaneous</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <I>When someone calls for an ambulance they will always take themselves upstairs</I></div> <div> <I>so that you can carry them back down again.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>If you approach a road you want from the middle you will always turn into it the wrong way.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>If an elderly person falls over in the street  the public will pin them down not allowing</I></div> <div> <I>them to move until you arrive although they may not have any injuries.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Beware of ambulance personnel  with more equipment hanging off their belt than equipment in the ambulance.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Paramedics Save lives. Technicians Save Paramedics.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Agree with everything they tell you when in training. Question everything when Qualified.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Don't upset control. They have more control than you think!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Just because someone started the job before you does not mean they know what they are doing</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>If its stupid, but it works, then it ain't stupid </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Oh yeah, and that dog that " never bites", really does !!!!!!</I></div> <bR> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="139" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Things they say.....</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Has she hurt herself ?"    " She says not........but I think she may have"    What's all that about then?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"She's upstairs...... and the Doctor says she has to go on a stretcher"</I></div> <div> <I>" Would that be the rubber one, Sir" ?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"I've only had a couple of pints"........Of What?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"I won't be waiting long in casualty will I"............No, not many!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"Have you hurt yourself, Sir"?...."No, but these two nice young ladies thought it best if I lie here in</I></div> <div> <I> this puddle until you arrive                                                                     </I></div> <bR> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="230" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>You might be a Paramedic if..........</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after</I></div> <div> <I> 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the  shift is even remotely calm... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You circle the dates of full moons in red on the calendar...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You ever wanted to present the "poor-acting" award to a patient... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with arterial </I></div> <div> <I>bleeding in order to receive your sympathy... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting "IT'S COMING"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Being a paramedic means you get to expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new diseases. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You get to smell some interesting aromas</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your sense of humour seems to get more "warped" each year </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You plan your dinner break while doing CPR.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your spouse sleeps with their mouth open, and you see it as a great chance to practice </I></div> <div> <I>your intubation technique.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The first thing you notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of their veins... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: </I></div> <div> <I>Bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red,  puffer pink, mottled blue   etc...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You automatically multiply by three the answer to the question "how many drinks did you have today?"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled  "Suicide...Doing It Right"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You say to yourself  "great veins"  when looking at complete strangers ... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You answer the phone saying  "Station"  even when you are at home... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You have the bladder capacity of five people</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You can drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed...</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your friends and family refuse to watch TV with you if there's a remote possibility that the show</I></div> <div> <I> will contain any scenes of a hospital (known as the "they're not doing it right" syndrome)... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You know most/all the drunks in town and their case histories... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said "just a little scratch"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong</I></div> <div> <I>thing to say</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are....</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You have ever included a nasopharyngeal airway as part of your evaluation of a patient's "unresponsiveness"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers"... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset</I></div> <div> <I> ("you've had the  pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")..</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke  (get someone drunk, then take them to the</I></div> <div> <I> casualty and  announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival)</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the toilet, or a minute before</I></div> <div> <I> shift change</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered... </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's</I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I>                                                                                 </I></FONT><B><IMG SRC="76c23230.gif" border=0 width="35" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">                                                   </B><A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 2"><U><B><IMG SRC="4ab50230.gif" border=0 width="80" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> <div> <I>                                                              </I></div> <bR> <div> <I><B> </B></I><FONT SIZE="2" 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