Humour 5

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=10.375% BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="0070ce82egerdp.png"> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Middleton Ambulance Station"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id64.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 4"><U><B>Back</B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=70 BGCOLOR="#CC99CC" TEXT="#080000" background="00626611ezuady.png"> <div> <B>Middleton Ambulance Station</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=410 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Humour</B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B><IMG SRC="90764650.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="101" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></I></div> <bR> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="618" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 4554 WIDTH="614"><div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="107" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 17 ><NOBR><div> <B>Classified Ads</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>FOR SALE</B>: High quality used defibrillator!  Local healthcare provider closing, must sell. Great for practical jokes, recharging car batteries,  giving hair  a hip "messy" look:   200j  300j 360j   You decide! </div> <bR> <div> <B>WANTED:  </B>A Reserve Paramedic seeks a life. Any old life will do. Simple walks in the park, time to smell the flowers. Time to go to nice restaurants, sleep in on Sundays, or even to read the paper while drinking coffee. Having time to see my family would be a plus.  Any ideas phone me,  please phone late afternoon as I am working nights. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="232" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Patient's Description of Medication</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Here is the top ten descriptions by patient's of the medication they take:</B></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1. Little blue pill</I><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I>  </I></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>2. Small pink round pill </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>3. White one shaped like a "V" </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>4. The one you break in half </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>5. The ones that I'm allergic to</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>6. The one I need more of </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>7. You know,  the one that makes me pee </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>8. They are too big to swallow  </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>9. Name a few - I'll know it if I hear it </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10. (Tie)  The one that starts with an "S" </I></div> <div> <I> </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10. (Tie) Its a heart pill </I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="245" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>ResusciAnnie™  Found Unresponsive</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>ResusciAnnie™  Found Unresponsive in Hotel Room </I></div> <div> <I>"Shake and shout"  fails to revive famed mannequin </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>ResusciAnnie™, the internationally renowned rubber woman who helped pioneer cardiac life-saving instruction, was found unresponsive in a hotel on the outskirts of  Rochdale early  this morning. </I></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="908af600.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="96" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>Last known photograph of ResusciAnnie™  alive</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>Paramedics arriving at the Last Stop Hotel at 3AM today were unable to revive her, despite a prolonged trial of chest compressions, rescue breathing, and jaw lift/tongue sweeps. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Local police suspect that her apparent demise may have been the result of alcohol abuse; in particular, ResusciAnnie™, or "Annie," as she was known to fans around the world, was said to have grown addicted to the alcohol swabs commonly used by students to wipe her mouth. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A mannequin in the window of a local Woolworths  store, who identified herself as a relative, said that ResusciAnnie™ had become increasingly withdrawn and isolated in recent years, following the introduction of computer simulation programs and more sophisticated mannequins that allow students to practice IV insertion and defibrillation. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Paramedic who attended the call  was overwhelmed by the death of the historic figure. "We got an anonymous call early this morning, but didn't know it was ResusciAnnie™," said the Paramedic. </I></div> <div> <I>"When we got there, though, I recognized her immediately, because of her unisex nylon clothing, the synthetic moulded hair, and the fact that her hard plastic carrying case was lying on the bed next to her. I said 'Annie, Annie, are you O.K.?', just as I was trained to do, and began compressing her springy artificial sternum.</I></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="909697c0.jpg" border=0 width="105" height="124" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>Resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>"We really weren't optimistic about getting a pulse, because she'd been down a while, and also she doesn't actually have blood vessels." </I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="134" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Computer Ailment</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="90ec90d0.gif" border=0 width="201" height="269" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="260" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Overheard at a Casualty Handover</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>She has no rigors or shaking, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. </I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="276" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>999 Call To Emergency Control Dispatcher</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"</I></div> <div> <I>"Is this her first child?" </I></div> <div> <I>"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" </I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="157" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Fun With Used Airways</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Make long slender ice cubes for those hot summer nights. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>On your next suicide call, glue 2 to the victim's head to resemble horns...Tell the coroner the devil made him do it! </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Wear one each of 5 different sizes on the fingers of both hands and pretend to be Freddy Krueger next Halloween. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Give one to a hard of hearing patient and tell them it's a new kind of hearing aid. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>You've heard of tin can phones...how about orapharngeal phones? </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Tie or otherwise bind 5 together, drill holes through one side only and pretend to be the Pied Piper. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Conversational swizzle sticks! </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Sell them as gag reflex testers. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>They make really neat bubble blowers...Ask the kids! </I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="154" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>How To Handle Stress</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I>Use your Mastercard to pay off your Visa</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Make a list of things you've already done</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing were wrong</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Fill out  your tax form in roman numerals</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Go shopping, buy clothes, sweat perfusely in them, then return them next day</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Pay your electric bill in pennies</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Drive to work in reverse</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Relax by mentally reflecting on your favourite episode of</I></div> <div> <I>'The Simpsons'  during that all important staff meeting</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Start a nasty rumour at your station and see if you recognise it when it gets back to you</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Walk around wearing a SARS protection mask and always be sure of a seat on the bus, train.....etc</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Write a short story using alphabet soup</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Stare at people through a fork and pretend they're in jail</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Make up a language and ask people for directions</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,</I></div> <div> <I>yelling  "run for your lives,  they're loose!"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When the money comes out the ATM Cash Machine, scream  "I won!", "I won!"</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Sing along at the opera.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favours."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Put your litter bin on your desk and label it  "in."</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>As often as possible, skip rather than walk.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend </I></div> <div> <I>their party because you're not in the mood.</I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="159" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Homer Simpsons X Ray</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="abeafd80.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="216" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="106" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>Massive Infarct</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A true story?..........a paramedic crew were called out to an emergency which involved diagnosing a sudden death. The paramedic remarked to his colleague that the patient appeared to have had a massive infarct. This statement was overheard by a relative who proceeded to inform the family that the paramedic thinks</I></div> <div> <I>that death was caused by a massive internal fart.</I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="184" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFF00 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <B>New Hazardous Data Sheet</B></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="c91db3a0.png" border=0 width="475" height="570" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id64.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Humour 4"><U><B><IMG SRC="4aa50230.gif" border=0 width="80" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A><B>                                    </B><B><IMG SRC="76e23230.gif" border=0 width="35" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">                                   </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#FF6600" FACE="Arial" ><I><B>more to come</B></I></FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>               </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                                                                                                                     </B></div> </td> </tr></table></body>