Bujinkan Taiken Dojo - Budo Taijutsu

Let's have Some Fun Kids

All Mine, Laugh or Leave, I don't care!

Welcome to Dave's world, - Dave Ninja, (he's closer than you think).

After studying for ten years at the Betty Ford School of SAS NLP, Dave finally wised up and enrolled on a correspondence course in navy-seal-ninja-marine-bodyguard-assassin-healing and sage training. After two years, two weeks of intense self abuse, and £2,000.00 lighter he graduated to blackbelt first-con, and was ready for anything, his instincts honed to perfection, already a legend in his own bathroom.

Although secretly he was still having trouble with the double-back-spinning-triple-arse-kick that came so highly recommended in the manual. It read, "when in doubt or in grave danger never fear, always use the double-back-spinning-triple-arse-kick, you cannot fail to impress the ladies". Unfortunately this very high level manoeuvre seemed to cause Dave great pain in the 'nad region, -having landed on the picket fence after falling from the roof probably didn't help any. The instruction book - "Kickin' Ass For Fun" made it sound so easy - "after climbing up a tree or onto a high pitched roof, and once your mind is completely blank, join with rhythm of life and picture in your mind a gorgeous babe, see her steal admiring glances at your by-now well developed body as you deftly disarm the machete wielding drug lord from Hell with this most secret of techniques - see photos 7a to 7p for further info.".

Dave had written to Grandmaster Deaf-Con 1, asking for further guidance, his response was swift, - "Use the Force Luke", and look out for my next book "Using the Force, and other dirty tricks". Wowww! Even though his name was Dave, Dave was still deeply moved, and once again fell out of the tree head first into a pile of shit named Thug, Thug was s'posed to be hard, but surely no match for a correspondence-school-warrior such as Dave Ninja, who assumed the stance of fudo-shine and smiled, knowing what was in store for Thug. Unfortunately Thug hadn't bothered to read the script and kicked him square in the balls with a swift and powerful if somewhat technically sloppy nut crusher. Luckily Dave had had his balls chewed so many times he only cried a few tears, whilst hurriedly searching his repertoire - carefully choosing the waza-of-the-day, which according to his mini diary was the Vulcan death grip. Luckily Thug still groggy dropped to his knees on the ground like a cheap politician begging for votes on election day. Elatedly Dave thought mistakenly that the death grip was a winner, having never read the small print which quite clearly stated; that the party of the first part could only have valid effect on the party of the second part if the party of the first part was of undeniably Vulcan parentage, and if the party of the first part wasn't ready for it, furthermore if the party of the second part had decided to wear an outfit with shoulder pads then the party of the first part was probably in for a good kicking, evidenced by no one ever having seen a Klingon succumb to a Vulcan deathgrip, (except to play nice when trying to pull a chick). 

Meanwhile Dave feeling well hard did the John Travolta strut back to his hideout at Ninja Towers to fill in his training report, when he got there he found his first job assignment as a fully trained navy-seal-ninja-marine-bodyguard-assassin -healer-sage waiting for him on the door mat. Oooohhh!

Dave was trembling as he hurriedly tore open the envelope containing his first solo assignment since graduation, it read;

Eyes only, Top Secret, Do Not Read Aloud or move your lips.

(Dave crawled into bed and under the duvet with his authentic mail-order navy-seal plastic maglight, with the red filter on).

The message read; - 

"Your mission is to protect the singer and minor film starlet Whipme Hugetongue, it is rumoured that Ms Hugetongue has been targeted for a very dodgy haircut attack, (possibly by her evil twin sister Mad Donna). You are to carry out this assignment without discovery of your true identity, employment has been secured as her dog's personal fitness trainer and fashion consultant. You are to report to the mansion at nine a.m. tomorrow.

Dave arrived (hoping to blend in) wearing some of Steven Segal's cast-offs, namely the prayer beads, the ponytail and the don't mess with me gold lame jacket cut in the chinese style specially tailored to make the gwailow look like fools, (and very successful it was too). 

He was met at the door by "Sy" a reject from Spandau Ballet, (her ankles were too big and she was way prettier than the boys), {come on keep up!}. Dave thought the baseball bat held at the ready was a nice touch too as some big lug of a thug patted him down and let him know he didn't take no crap. Dave smiled serenely and fingered his beads as he followed Sy into the living area to meet Whipme. Whipme looked good, real good, the kinda good you don't see in real life, he decided he was gonna let Whipme walk all over him whenever she wanted (bare foot or not) - no problem.

Dave belatedly realised that he'd been introduced while he was talking to himself and was 30 seconds behind in the conversation, Whipme had a question in her eyes, (Dave had the answer in his Armani pants but he wasn't sure now was the time), Whipme used her voice this time asking him why he was dressed like a cheap extra in Big Trouble in Little China. Dave explained that he was a fashion consultant after all, and that it was a pseudo anglo-asian retro grunge thing.

Plot still under construction

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