Two Irishmen are flying home from London.
Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will longer still. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that they are now flying on one engine and gives an even later arrival time.
When the plane finally lands one Irishman turns to the other and remarks
"Just as well the fourth engine kept going or we'd have been up there all night."
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are.
"Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The other driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left.
"Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that field in time."
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
An Irishman's last wish was to be buried at sea, which was most unfortunate for his three friends who died digging the grave.
Then there was the Irish terrorist who blew up a bus: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
It's always puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,"how everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order."
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro - Quattro means four'. 'Quattro is just the name of the automobile', the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers.'
'You can't pull that one on me' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.' The Englishman replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry' responds Paddy, Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'
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