STICKY BUSINESS


At long last. I've found it. I just knew it had to be around somewhere, but how the hell did it end up down there in the first place? I bet it was that bloomin' cat again. I've spent all week looking for it and I thought I was never going to see it again.
I tried to squeeze my hand down behind, but couldn't reach, so I carefully pulled the fridge out, just far enough from the wall, got down on my hunkers and stuck my hand in. It felt all horrible in there, but at least I was able to pick the nose up with the tips of my fingers and pull my hand out before it got snapped off by something that stays alive by feeding on things that fall behind fridges and washing machines. God blast McGowan anyway; it was all his fault; he just could not keep his paws off it. He always did this. It was the same carry-on with the bikes; he just had to take everything apart just to see how it worked, but could he put it all back together again? No Sir. He could not.

I had seen it in Mrs. Grant's window and asked her to keep it for me until I had enough coppers saved to buy it. I couldn't wait for the day to come, but come it did, and better still, I couldn't wait for my best friend to see how I looked when I appeared at the front door of his house.
I put it on the moment I left the shop, took a quick glance in the window to see if I looked alright and off I ran, as fast as my legs could carry me, to his house to show him.
"Can I have a go" he said.
Investigations began immediately and within minutes, surgery was well under way, with its bits and pieces spread all over the kitchen table.
There I was, after another failed experiment, walking home with it, now in kit form, and having to tell my Ma what I had wasted her "hard earned money" on. I knew I shouldn't have given him a go.

How the nose got lost I'll never know but I didn't care now 'cause I'd found it, and I was really going to let Dr. McGowan know this time, who the doctor really is around here. I took it to the sink, scrubbed it with Vim and Daz, and washed all the hairs and stickyness off it and dried it in the clean tea towel. As clean as a new pin. I found the Bostik in my Ma's sewing box, gathered the rest of the pieces and disappeared up the stairs to the bedroom. Now it was down to the real business.

A quick read of the instructions on the Bostik box and I was off. I started on the glasses and stuck the sides back on to the two eye parts. Then came the turn of the lovely clean nose and on it went to the bottom of the two eyes. Next up was the moustache and into position it went with a good dollop of the old Bostik. Give it plenty just to make sure. The mouth and the chin looked as if they couldn't wait for a good feed of the old Bostik either, and a good dose is what they got. On they went, happy to be back with their old friend the nose. I laid the lot out on the pillow to dry and went back downstairs as happy as Larry, did a little dance, raided the biscuit tin in the dresser and had myself a little celebration party with the help of the brand new bottle of lemonade that was being saved for the priest or some other important visitor that never seemed to call. I knew the priest wouldn't mind because they're forever telling us at school what a sin it is to waste. The lemonade was lovely and cold because we had no central heating in our house, and the front room where it was hidden was as good as any fridge. I munched away for an hour because that's what it said on the box above in the bedroom.


Back up again and I couldn't wait to try it on, but how could I when it wouldn't come away from the pillow. The bits didn't stick together, but they stuck to the pillow with no trouble at all. Now what? Scalpel please Nurse!
A Macsmile from my fathers shaving box and a neat bit of handy work saved the day. Be the Jazes, that glue must be gone all stale or something, either that or it must be the starch in the lovely white pillow, that now looks like the Cloud of Turin, that's gone and stopped the Bostik from doing it's duty. The sellotape would now be the only man for the job. Now where does Mammy keep the bloody sticky tape? She will be home soon and there will be ructions when she sees the cut of the pillow.
I soon had the bits all stuck back together again, not counting the pillow this time, and down I went to have a good gawk at myself in the mirror. I greased down my wiry hair with a good blast of the old Brylcream, hooked the sides around my ears, tapped the nose into position, stroked the moustache and lined up the old kisser. And did I not look a great swell? I did bedad. All that white sticky tape and the bits of pillow didn't look the job at all though, but other than that, everything fitted like a glove.

And do you know what? McGowan just won't believe this, not one little bit, and I can't wait till I call to my best friend's house again tomorrow.

Try Them On

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