Abusive behaviour nearly always ends in denial. What caused the abuse - and how it was maintained become almost side issues to denial. With Denial an abuser can inflict the most pain of all. Why? Because denial is all about discrediting the victim.

When it comes from someone respected like a therapist or someone who claims to care about people and feelings it pushes the victim into even deeper despair. For not only does the victim have to deal with the loss of someone they cared about. They are confronted with a new reality that, that person is now saying they have something seriously wrong with them.

With emotional abuse being very subtle it is often very difficult to prove what was said and when. This creates yet another problem for the victim of denial. Trying to explain the abuse, when you are in a state of shock that could last months trying to make sense of a situation - you are not well placed to be easily understood. Even the most understanding of people struggle to make sense of what you are saying and the issues involved. But what happens if you don't try and explain the abuse when it happens, people then question why you held back. Why didn't you say something at the time?

Some victim/survivors give up and withdraw, isolating themselves. This can be good and bad. Healing of any wound physical or emotional takes time, but isolating yourself can slow down any chances of recovery. Those that carry on learn to cope with the denial of their Abuser. And begin to work out what happened. If the abuse was over a short time months rather than years - they have a very good chance of working it out. However the longer the time period the more complicated the abuse is and the abuser.

Sometimes the answer is in the denial. If the person is well respected and wants to be thought of in this way - the chances of them admitting to the abuse are zero. You also come across denial from those who are always right. They know best and cannot be wrong. Perhaps the most saddest form is those who have been pushed into denial by others. Here they have a Fear of someone of something else and find it easier to hurt someone with denial than stand up against someone else.

This though creates yet another problem. The abuser who can blame someone else for the abuse will abuse again. By not taking responsibility for their actions, the next time they find themselves in this situation they will seek out someone or something to excuse them for their abuse. The easiest person to blame of course is the victim, who in the case of therapy is often suspect anyway and who is course is very vulnerable.

Other important factor in denial is rationalisation. The situation was misread or hyped up. Abusers all play mind games with their victims. Saying one thing or doing something one day and something else the next - an abuser in denial will often say "I said this, but will not accept that they said something else the next day. This inconsistent behaviour is abuse.

For victims of denial the reality of the situation is there recovery often depends on when their abuser gains the courage to tell the truth. If not - the victim or survivor is faced with a slow painful recovery or at best just being able to cope with the abuse.

 

For more information on denial and the problems that its causes for abusers and their victims, please go to Blain Nelson's

Excellent site on abuse - http://www.blainn.cc/abuse/denial.html

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