Partying in 2020

By part-way through the 21st Century, we will party VERY differently:

We will all have to buy special velcro shoes so we can go out and, as Lionel Ritchie once put it, dance on the ceiling. As a result of this dancing, people will have thighs like punchbags which will rub together so much that chafing will be endemic. Money will be abolished, instead we will use microchips which look like smiley badges, fitted to the palm of our hands. These will be swiped on an infra-red psycho-active baize pad at the door, and our accounts will be debited accordingly. Once inside the club, we will progress to the changing room where we will change into our club strip. Each club will have its own uniform, specially designed by one of the leading fashion houses such as C&A. We will be equipped with juice and vitamin belts, the vitamins automatically replenishing our body when the green indicator (fitted to everyone at birth) on our left earlobe turns red. The belt will also have room for potatos. Not because they're good for you, just they'd look pretty fucking funny. Because everyone will be wearing the same uniform, everyone will feel equal, so no longer will girls point and stare at potential love rivals and say "I don't know how that fat cow's got the cheek to TRY and get her arse in that thing"

Fitted around the dancefoor will be 'pulling packs', specifically designed for couples who are to jet back to thier underwater cave to engage in kinky sex (Virginity having been officially outlawed in 2013). The pack will consist of: Toothbrush (1), Toothpaste (1 tube of), Condoms (3), industrial stregnth swarfega (1 pot of, for those embarrasing moments) Cling film (1 small roll, for emergiencies) and edible knickers (2 pairs of)

Besides the pulling packs will be pumps which, if you slide your smily hand accross, will dispense the latest drink craze, custard shots in either Creme de Menthe or Spotted Dick flavour.

The music in the club will no linger be selected and played by a DJ. Everyone will have a button fitted on thier trendy tunics, which will be able to send requests to the computerised DJ console. The tracks with the most votes will get ignored, while the rest will get played, thus carrying on the DJ's tradition of bloody-mindedness.

Toilets will not be needed by the year 2020 because evryoine will have a colostomy globe on thier head, with tubes that connect to the relevant part of the body. These will be occasionally emptied by carefully selected globe collectors, distiggushable by thier bright yellow, all in one satin suits.

One thing's for sure, the future will be so bright, you're going to have to wear swimming goggles.