Crapitation: A History of the Sport

The origins of Crapitation as a sport are lost in the mists
of time. Legend has it that it was brought to the shores of
Great Britain in the 12th Century, but there is no authenticated
evidence to confirm this. Certainly it was known of in Scotland
by the 14th Century. Several written records of early 
competitions are held in the care of the Scottish Records Office
in Edinburgh.

More recently, the sport received some recognition by no less a
figure than Robert Burns, the Scottish poet, who makes several
references to it in his 'Merry Muses of Old Caledonia'. By Burns'
time, the sport was known of throughout Great Britain, and in
parts of France, Germany, Canada, and the infant United States.
Known to have been a keen Freemason, it is possible that Burns
became aware of it through his Masonic connections, and indeed
this may explain why the sport has survived in relative secrecy,
while appearing at times to have become extinct. Reputedly there
is a Masonic organisation known as the 'Sept of Syncopated
Windbreakers', but there is no published evidence of this.

The first internationally organised competition was held in 1783,
where Francois Phoophe (France) beat Sandy McWind (Scotland)
before dropping  dead of exhaustion!

Whilst remaining popular in many parts of the world, notably among
the cattle drovers of the Wild West, the sport continued mainly at
a local level with little or no international activity, until the 
early 20th Century, when an unofficial second world championship
was organised and held in Paris in 1902, being opened by Joseph
'Le Petomane' Pujol.

In 1932 the third international competition was held in the
Hofbrauhaus, Munich, when the Englishman Lord Windesmere won a
memorable and highly audible victory over his German opponent,
Gustav Donnerfurz.

Just after the end of World War II, in late 1945, a third 
competition - the first official one - was held in the Maple Leaf
Auditorium, Montreal, Canada, and broadcast[1] over the CBC Radio
network. In this contest, Paul Boomer of Australia snatched
victory from the reigning champion, Lord Windesmere, who was
disqualified after having a most unfortunate accident during the
competition.

Despite the interest generated by the 1945 broadcast, the sport
once again declined into the doldrums, and it was only in 1984
that interest was reawakened when a tape of the broadcast began
circulating in London. In 1993 a 'spin doctor' working for the
Labour Party latched on to the potential of the sport as a potent
political weapon, interest grew, culminating in the major
politically-charged competition to be held later this year (i.e.
the recent UK election.)

Jargon of the Sport

The Gentle and Arcane Art of Crapitation is an ancient sport
involving what is politely known as 'breaking wind'. Its
practitioners are almost exclusively male, and the sport is
presented in the style of a boxing match. The ring is a
rectangular one, without ropes, with a four foot high post
(The Farting-Post) on one corner. The single round contests are
usually held between two windbreakers, but occasionally four or
more participants compete, in what are known as 'Whirlwind'
matches. Team competitions are particularly popular in the
West of Scotland.

To achieve distinction in the sport, great attention must be paid
to a suitable diet. Several weeks before a major competition, the
champion crapitator will confine his food intake to high protein
foods such as beans, cabbage and eggs. Certain beers are also
recommended, such as 'Adnam's Southwold Bitter', or 'Caledonian
80/-Ale'.

Competitors wear similar accoutrements to those worn by boxers
and wrestlers. All must wear a vest-like garment known as a
'semmit', and trunks, with a six-inch hole in the seat, known
as the 'Fenêtre de Brise'. Footwear is optional, with wrestler's
boots being the normal preference As far as rules go, there are
few. The principal restriction is on the use of artificial
appliances to enhance the sound. Competitors found using such
devices are banned from the sport for life.

The contestant will indicate his readiness to start by grasping
the Farting-Post or by giving some other clear signal, and must
start his performance within two minutes of so indicating. If, 
once started, he fails to emit for more than one minute he will
be deemed to have finished.

All types of emission with the exception of two attract points.
The two exceptions are: 'Plotching', which results in a penalty,
and what is euphemistically termed 'Having an Accident' results
in disqualification.

Despite its earthy nature, the sport is distinguished by the
dignified manner and language with which it is conducted.

Our thanks to The Fartblaster for permission to print this

GLOSSARY

   * Bloop - Sudden and rather dangerous blast (now dropped from
     open competitions)
   * Crapitation - The academic word for windbreaking.
   * Farting-Post - A 4 feet high wooden post, approximately 9
     inches in diameter.
   * Fenêtre de Brise (Zephyr Window) - Aperture in the seat of
     competitor's trunks
   * Flutterblast - Self descriptive. (10 points)
   * Followup Phlooper - see Phlooper. (15 points)
   * Fundus-Break - Long, deep throated blast. (30 points)
   * Phloop - Short and rather dangerous blast. (2 points)
   * Phlooper - Long blast (10 points)
   * Phreep - Short and fairly high-pitched. (1 point)
   * Phuzzyphart - Self descriptive. (5 points)
   * Plotcher - Near accident. (deduct 15 points)
   * Sizzler - Self descriptive. (5 points)
   * Trillblow - Long blast of variable pitch. (10 points)
   * Triple Flutterblast - Self descriptive. (25 points)
   * Zusaarspiegel - The woodwind horn used to start the contest.
     Similar to a Mukkinese Battlehorn.

Extracted from The Glasgow Dictionary of Crapitation.
Used by permission.

[1] The 1946 Recording

The tape of the 1945 'broadcast' actually exists. This
excruciatingly funny performance is understood to have been
produced in 1946 as an exercise by the Training Department of
the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, and was privately
circulated to a number of equivalent organisations worldwide. I
came into possession of a copy back in 1984, and much of the
material in this satire is developed from it.

Given the extremely limited technology available to the producers
at the time, this tape was a magnificent achievement, which I am
happy to acknowledge.

The Editor,
Phundria Magazine http://www.xs4all.nl/~emags/phundria/

Phundria was produced by a small team of volunteers,
comprising supporters of the Liberal Democrat, Labour
and Scottish National Parties.

-- 
The Director
The Commission on Scandals in Justice
mailto:injustice@scandals.demon.co.uk
http://www.scandals.org/

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